SELECTION OF A LIFE PARTNER    

 Naturally, the selection of a mate is an important step in building a good marriage. During the courtship, the man and woman must make every effort to become well acquainted with one another's character. They must communicate honestly and openly. They must study and seek to understand one another's personality, disposition, background, education, lifestyle, habits, tastes, hobbies, capacities, and aspirations.

      It is important that physical attraction not become the only focus of energy and thought. After all, sooner or later the excitement and passion of "falling in love" must give way to a more practical and stable bond. A couple considering marriage must feel certain that they will be able to find a basis for a permanent relationship.

      One way to learn about one another is to share a wide variety of experiences under different circumstances and in different surroundings. In addition to Our activities, visit an art gallery, go for a walk in the country, organize a picnic, plan a dinner party, go shopping together, visit the elderly and the sick. Do other things together. By sharing these activities you will learn important things about your intended spouse.

      Remember that marriage is a twenty-four hour arrangement. You will see your husband or wife, not only dressed up and on best behavior for a date, but also under more trying circumstances. How does your fiancé express anger? How does he or she react to frustration, or disappointment, or other pressures? How does your future mate behave around children? Around your friends? Around people of different races and religions?

      Since each of us is, at least partially, a product of family upbringing, we must seek to understand the family of our intended spouse. Visit your future in-laws before the marriage. If possible, spend two or three days in their home. This will certainly give you new insights and awareness, and may even clarify some things for you.

      Marriage requires a certain compatibility of tastes and habits. If your lifestyles are very different, there my be trouble ahead. For example, we knew a man who was nocturnal: he worked nights and rarely retired before 2:00 or 3:00 o'clock in the morning. In contrast, his wife loved the daylight and retired around 9:00 o'clock in the evening. Their marriage required constant, difficult adjustments.

A QUESTION TO CONSIDER

      Many young people will ask, "How can I maintain the unity of our marriage and still keep my independence?" This is, indeed, a necessary question to consider. To build a good marriage both partners must give up a measure of their independence. This is, of course, a sacrifice. Both husband and wife must sacrifice for the sake of a stronger union. But this is a small price to pay for the bounty of establishing love and unity within a marriage.

POINTS TO REMEMBER AS YOU ENTER MARRIAGE

      Be courteous to one another at all times. Courtesy will lend a magic to your marriage. Politeness, thoughtfulness, and consideration will increase your respect and love for one another. Remember to say "Please," "Excuse me," "Thank you," "I beg your pardon," to each other, even in the privacy of your home.

      Learn to communicate. A husband and wife must communicate daily. Talk to each other, look at each other; and, listen to each other. Communicate with tenderness, with hugs and kisses. Keep no secrets from one another. Pray and study the Writings together.

      Give in to each other. Give in more than 50% of the time. It takes humility and detachment to do it, but learn to give in. Don't simmer with anger, hostility, or resentment. Don't hang on to grudges. Sacrifice for each other. Say to your partner: "I'm sorry," or "I made a mistake," or "I was wrong," or "Please accept my apology."

      Resolve never to nag. Nagging causes disharmony, tensions, and grief. Avoid it from the start. Try not to give orders to your mate. Instead of saying, "Go close the window," you could say, "Do you think it's a good idea to shut the window before we leave?"

      Always encourage your partner. Give your mate daily encouragement and assistance. Don't let little things bother you. Look at the good, and forget the other qualities. Strive for forgiveness and magnanimity. Never tear your partner down. Try to develop his or her good qualities.

      Reciprocity in marriage. A good marriage requires reciprocity and interaction. And to interact meaningfully one needs time, patience, and a willingness to listen. If you are in a hurry, it is impossible to interact. You cannot always be frantic and rushed and hope to develop your marriage in a spiritual direction. Therefore, arrange some periods of peace and quiet each day.

      A husband and wife must plan to enjoy periods of rest, relaxation, and fun together. If possible, plan some kind of recreation each week: walk together, sing, swim, talk, laugh together. Be together- just the two of you.

      The challenge of marriage. Our marriage offers a special challenge. When two dedicated Ours marry they both naturally want to serve the Faith: teach and become involved in the administrative work of the Cause. But sometimes, in their desire to serve, they do not face the reality of marriage. Ours must strive to understand all the many factors that go into making a good marriage. Teaching and administrative service are lofty goals. But equally important is an understanding of the inner meaning of marriage.

      Unity in marriage. Unity is the cornerstone of the Our Faith. The spirit of unity must be applied to every aspect of marriage - emotional, physical, and spiritual. We Ours seem to talk endlessly about unity of nations, of religions, of races and classes of peoples, but almost never about unity in marriage and in the family.